Hectic

It seems there is never enough time in the day to complete the millions of little tasks that need to be done. I envy the Moms who are so put together, with their perfect hair, outfits and makeup. The ones who have multiple kids, but still have perfectly clean houses.

That is not me. I am the Mom with the clutter and the playroom that looks like a toy store blew up in it. My bathroom mirror is splattered with toothpaste and my kitchen floor is past the point of needing to be washed. There are crumbs on my dining room table. I am not writing this to brag about my messy house. I just know there are more out there besides me.

Right now, I am in my nightgown. It is 10:05 in the morning. My kids are off to school, beds are made, laundry is washed and hung. There is so much more I will finish by the end of the day, but my house will never look like one of "those houses." I will never be one of "those Moms"

Three Years

It has been almost three years since I last posted. Three long, crazy years. In that time we found an adorable rental house in a small town with an amazing lake view (it may not be perfect. but it is perfect for us) and my kids have grown by leaps and bounds.  Krystal is almost 12. Joey is 9 and my little Peyton will be turning 4 (despite me telling her not to grow up.) It has been crazy. We got a puppy. and we added 5 cats since I last posted about my one dopey, loveable, old kitty. I am probably replacing the future children I will never have with cats, making myself a crazy cat lady.
I never became that crafty Mom that I wished to be and I still chase my children around, cleaning up after them, cringing at the muddy footprints and the crayon scribbles Peyton does on the wall when I am not looking. Everything changes and nothing changes.

My husband still works all the time, still third shift, and sleeping during the day. We struggle at trying to keep a "normal" relationship, but the love is there and we are both willing to plug along at it.

We're approaching the time where I have to decide whether or not to register Peyton for preschool. She is 98% potty trained. Unknown issues with her digestive system lead to severe constipation and she holds her poop until the physical pain is too much for her, and then the pain of passing leaves her covered in a film of sweat and shaking. We have been to specialists, medicated her, changed her diet and nothing has helped yet. I am afraid to put her in school because of it, and unsure if they will even allow her to enter.

I struggle daily with my inner demons. I wonder how many other Mothers feel the same way. Am I good enough as a Mom? Do I keep my home clean enough? Do I yell too much? Do I baby my children too much? When can I find a second to myself? There are many days where I don't bother to change out of my pajamas at all, or even brush my hair. I am embarrassed to admit that honestly, but I need to. I feel like I shouldn't bother if I am not going to leave the house. There is so much going on in my head at all times, mostly doubts about my skills as a Mom.

Update

It has been such a long time since I have written. So much growth and change. Since I wrote last, Joey has turned 6, I have turned 31 and Peyton is now 10 months. No longer that little tiny snugglebug that I brought home from the hospital last March. She is now a baby, with a personality all of her own.
In the history of babies, there has never been one as loved as Peyton, and not by me or Todd. By Krystal and Joey. They spend every waking moment at home talking to her, playing with her, hugging her. My heart is swollen with pride. I realize in these simple moments, that I have raised 2 amazing, loving children.
Just a small update for now. I wish I had still been writing and remembering all the moments that have made my life special.

Home is where your heart is

I have decided, that although I have one a lot of complaining lately about our living situation, I am not appreciating what I do have. I don't have really nice things, and often those things are covered in clutter, but I do have 3 amazing, gorgeous kids and a husband who loves me more than life itself. I love him too. 13 years of being together and although we face incredible amounts of challenges every day, we still love each other.

I share with you, my home. The good, the bad and the ugly. The mess, the clutter and chaos. The place I hate, where I raise my kids, I love for now. i do the best I can with what I have and that is a lesson hard learned and one I often forget. But home really is where your heart is. No matter what that may be.

Craft Day

..... .....
....... So today was craft day at my house, which I decided should be Tuesday since today is the first day of summer vacation. On Sunday Todd, the kids and I went to Michaels and I let them pick out little inexpensive craft things to do while on summer vacation. Thanks to my SIL I also have a bunch of sites with really cool ideas too.

Today Krystal chose to color "Lily" the name she bestowed on her wooden doll, and Joey colored in his J that he had to find, that Todd discovered while rooting around in all the letter bins.

They had a great time today, and I can't wait to see what next Tuesday brings!

3 months

Today is June 21st. On March 21st at 3:53 am you were pulled forth from my stomach with a huge cry. I sobbed from joy and relief behind the blue drape that separated me from seeing you. It was a while before they handed you to Daddy and at that point the morphine kept me from seeing you clearly, but I knew you were perfect. When I was brought back to my room, you were placed into my arms and I held you up to my nose and breathed you in. Your real, natural unaltered scent. It was a perfect moment.

Over the next few days in the hospital it was just me and you most of the time. I got to learn every single inch of your body. I enjoyed snuggling you close, pulling off your hats to admire your head of dark hair. Unswaddling you to peek at your dark gray eyes. Touching your tiny toes and fingers.

When we got home, I loved feeling you sleep on me, when you pushed your body into my neck so you could snuggle there. Love was when I could make you stop crying simply with a cuddle.

Over these past three months I have watched you change from a newborn to a baby, and every day my love for you grows and changes too. I live for one of your smiles or coos. I laugh when you punch me in the face. I smile when you grin at your toys with your bright eyes.

You are getting to be so big now Peyton, and while I love every second of it, a small part of me is sad because I am watching a baby grow, change and meet milestones for the last time. Try not to grow as fast as Krystal and Joey did. I want to love my baby as long as you will let me

Running a marathon while never leaving the house!

Does anyone else feel the same? I feel like a crazy woman all day contemplating all the things in my house that need to be cleaned or done. Every day is a constant battle in my head of importance. Falling behind makes me feel like a failure, which to me is not an option.
It seems like the bigger kids don't understand or care how hard I work, when they come home and throw their stuff all over the place and destroy the bedrooms that I worked so hard to straighten while they were in school.
There is nothing more that I love more than my children, but Mommyhood is one of the most thankless (as well as thankful) jobs in the world. The thankful part is the hugs, kisses, cuddles, i love yous, hastily drawn stick people on construction paper with your name written above them, awesome school made mothers day presents where your children claim the best thing my Mommy cooks is cereal or pasta (My culinary skills obviously need some brushing up!) The sneaking downstairs well past bedtime to cover my face in kisses, making it impossible to threaten with a spank.
The thankless parts are the wall art made with pencil, marker and crayon that won't wash off. The paint on the carpet from finger painting, the dragging out of every toy you put away that morning. Pulling out every clean piece of clothing and strewing it out on the floor with the dirty so that they all need to be washed again. The "I hate you" that you wish your 8 year daughter would take back because it is too early to hear that.
And of course your babys father, whether that be your husband, boyfriend or some person you met in a bar and forgot their name. Whether they are there or not, it's all the same. Mine is as big of a help as one could expect. He is amazing.....when he is home to help at least. But when he is, he tries to help.....by undermining my authority as a parent. It's wonderful he wants to step in and help, but all it will serve to do is confuse my kids and make them not listen when i have them by myself all summer.
And the most thankless part of being a Marathon Mom (Or SAHM if you prefer) is the lack of 2 incomes, especially when your 1 income isn't much to write home about. I doubt we will ever be able to take our kids on vacation, or to Disneyworld. I doubt Todd and i will get to renew our vows in 3 years and go on the honeymoon cruise I wanted to go on.
That being said, every kiss, hug, and baby sleeping in my arms is worth it. The thankful outweigh the thankless and the smiles come more often than the tears.
I run a marathon in my home every day. I am exhausted, worn out in tears most days, but every morning I awake with a smile....lucky to be blessed with all I have.